What Made Me Almost Stop Writing

I can never pinpoint the exact moment I began writing or what the first poem I wrote was. It's all pretty much a blur to me as I've pretty much been writing since as long as I can remember and like I said before in my previous blog post, my memory isn't the greatest. However, there is one incident that does stick out to me like a sore thumb that made me stop writing for a period of time and almost made me stop writing completely.

This was in my late teens. I had to of been around 17, maybe 18, at the time. I was in a relationship with this individual, wasn't a long relationship but, it was long enough for me to develop strong feelings for this person. Over the course of our relationship, I would write sweet love poems to this person. I'm not too good with my words sometime when I speak them verbally but when I write them down, that's when the magic happens. Poetry is one of my love languages and when love creeps in, the other person becomes my muse. It felt good to express myself to this person and see their reaction to my words. Well, one day this person cheated on me and left me for the other person. Damn, I know right. The way they went about it was as if I never existed, and even after seeing me cry to their face, all I can remember is the smirk they had on theirs. What a fucking dick. I shouldn't of wasted my time after that but of course, I just had to get closure and know "why?"

I remember the next day, standing outside of my job on the phone crying to this person just trying to figure out what happened. As I was rambling on heartbroken and crying, she interrupts me and says mockingly:

"Oh, boo hoo go write a fucking poem about it! "

When she said that, it shattered me and all I could say back was "are you serious?" I couldn't believe how mean this person was being to me in the moment of hurt they've caused. Most people would usually have some type of remorse, have some empathy, be apologetic. Not this person. So for them to say that to me without an ounce of care, it was really devastating. If you know anything about us artists you know that we are sensitive about our shit! Eventually, I hung up and had to work the rest of my work day replaying over and over what she said to me. I told myself I wouldn't write another love poem for anyone ever again. I actually did stop writing for some time, I think for a year or so and definitely stuck to my word, for a while, and didn't write another love poem for anyone until my poetry collection, 125 Days, in 2015. So, you can see those words formed in that one sentence really had a profound effect on me.

Even after all this time, me being in my 30's, I still remember that conversation and what was said to me. Whenever I hear people say the quote "stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" I always think what bullshit that statement is. Words don't just evaporate into nothingness, they get absorbed. What you say, you can never take back so it's always best to speak with kindness. Her words hurt me so much that it affected me in a huge way that took some time to heal from. But, I'm glad I didn't keep allowing those words to affect me because in 2015, I wrote an entire poetry collection that I would end up publishing in 2021 and I'm extremely proud of those works. Words can be powerful, the tongue is strong enough where it can build or break a human spirit. Anytime you find yourself in a heated argument with a loved one, or anyone for that matter, there is a great African proverb you should think about:

"The axe forgets; the tree remembers"