My Mother Told Me "Never Put It Down In Writing."

It's hard for me to recollect on any of my memories, especially from childhood. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, I often wonder about that sometimes. The memories I do recall usually are the ones that have had a significant impact on me, that helped shaped me into the woman I am today. Let me say, I never in a million years imagined myself writing and publishing a book or two at that! Younger me would probably be in complete shock at that accomplishment. In shock at the fact I wrote my heart out sharing my inner secrets and allowed them out into the world. Younger me would probably look at me like I was crazy, yet, brave. I say that because of all the memories I can't seem to recollect, there is one that has bombarded me from time to time over the years since I was a little girl.

It was a conversation with my mom. The thing is, I don't remember much about the conversation, or how we got on the topic of writing. But, she told me something that always stuck with me that I think affected the way I wrote. She told me:

"Never put it down in writing, because anybody could read it and you don't want that."

Now I was confused and just sat there looking a little dumbfounded as she explained further:

"One day, my mom went into my room and read my diary, and I had EVERYTHING in there. She read it all and when I got home, I got in so much trouble."

Ahhh there it was, my mother's experience that lead to that trauma she still remembers many years later. I know she told me that to protect me. I could understand the kind of betrayal and anger she must of felt to have her privacy violated where her thoughts that weren't meant for anyone else became consumed from someone she trusted. She probably didn't want me to feel that kind of hurt and betrayal she felt and I understood that. She was doing the best she could do as a mom and I'm grateful for that. I do think it had a profound effect on me, however, even after all these years.

I often find I ask myself "why didn't I share my writing and poetry more when I was younger?", "why do I buy all these damn notebooks for journaling and never journal?" and whenever I ask myself these questions I immediately think back to what my mom said "Never put it down in writing" and then it becomes clear, that her saying that is probably the root cause. There were times I wanted to write down some of my most troublesome thoughts in a diary or journal but never feel comfortable because I was afraid somebody would come in and read it. In my younger years whenever I did share my writing, it was only things I felt ok about be seen in the public eye. Nothing too major and nothing too personal. I only shared my poetry or short stories once in a blue moon on Myspace or Facebook notes, but I never stayed consistent with it, I was always too afraid to share "more" of myself.

Well, imagine how surprised my younger self would be if she knew that in 2015, I decided to go against everything mom said and committed myself to writing for 125 Days and it would end up being a long journey of self discovery, healing, and vulnerability done in the form of a poetic diary. She probably would lose her damn mind and say "What are you doing!? you really put all our business out there!?" Yuuuup! lol sure did and it was the best thing "we" could have done because "we" had A LOOOOOOOT to say.

I put all the poems up on a old blog I had and once I was done with the 125 Day challenge, I completely took them offline because reality kicked back in and I heard my mom's voice, I remember thinking to myself "More people could see this...nope!" lol and I archived them away from the public for 6 years! Over the years my mom would say to me casually "I really think you should publish them" and I immediately would be in defense and saying "No", it was never in my plans or intentions to publish them in a book because I remember in the back of my mind "Never put it down in writing, because anybody could read it and you don't want that." It was so weird to me how afterwards I became afraid, but in the moment of writing...I was fearless, like I was in some kind of zone. Well, fast forward to 2021 where I ended up publishing those poems and ended up having two books of the collection by 2022. Completely ignoring what my mom told my once younger self and to be honest, it was the best thing I could have done.

Releasing those poems out into the world was very therapeutic for me. It was letting go of everything I was holding in and doing so fearlessly and unapologetically. For all I know, my words could touch someone out there reading them who can't find the words and I want to be an inspiration to people. I know my mom is very proud of me, she tells me all the time and continuously tells everyone about my book and setting up book club meetings for me. I think for her, seeing her daughter accomplish something she wish she could have done makes her extremely happy. I'm not upset with her for telling me something that effected me in a way that wasn't favorable. I know she was trying to protect me in a way she felt she knew how to, that's a mother's love so why be upset? I'm now in my 30's and finding power in my voice, my words, and my vulnerability. It takes courage to be vulnerable in a rigid world and here I am, now fearless.

So whenever I hear that voice of my younger self repeating "Never put it down in writing, because anybody could read it and you don't want that." I just respond back with "Ohhhh, but what if I do?"